Reasons

(press play, read slow)

So...nouns.
Words that represent something that exists. A name of a person. A place. An inanimate object humans make animate by manipulation. It's a funny word that just sounds like pointlessness..or disbelief. Things that are less and less on my mind since i was alive.
So.."they" are assigned value by titles that gained their own grouped definition...'nouns'. I think this designates importance. Whether personal, social or plainly scientific, (meaning factual), i think when a 'noun' is assigned, it gives something importance..like its supposed to be remembered.

And social studies classes give us so many nouns to know about. If one was to open a book, what's there but a story of nouns about nouns. There are even words that have been subjugated to the existence of nouns to dress them up nice. But i digress and come to my question as of late, (late being what's been on my mind since the last tragedy in my life): What is the greater portion? Having a perfect 'noun' or building the perfect 'noun'? (press play again)

There are two sides to each of these, and all that standing on the plank that stretches between the left brain and right brain of any noundividual. Which makes the certainty of an explanation like slack lining over a black hole, the cosmic type. But i'll start here, just for myself. Please keep in mind, reader (haha, "mind-reader"), that this is in non-philosophical form..take the nouns for what they are:

The positives of having a perfect noun: Little/no labor to be done...that's pretty much it for positives. It is either just perfect or noun'else put in the work to make it perfect.
Negatives: Little to no true value per reasoning of the positive. There are psychology references of human behavior that denote simply what we work for we enjoy more. Is this true? I'm looking at myself now:
I have several..SEVERAL successfully completed projects...material nouns in my repertoires that were deemed by other nouns to be either above my skill or impossible. Again, these are successes. And each one in my own way i have celebrated alone. I agree with psychology here..it's a good feeling to look back and see what these hands have made. Some nouns are still being built. (Note to the side: I keep checking my texts to see if she has messaged me).

The positives of building the perfect noun: One gets to know the structure (as one is a part of it); one can add their own character backslash flare; one can grow; one can watch growth; one is free to design as they wish; etc., etc.
Negatives: Much labor is required in most circumstances; often times the true cost is deluded by the hearts desire to create the noun as it is perceived in the mind; nothing in the build is for certain, only the price paid emotionally, physically and fiscally. If i missed any other negatives, you other nouns please shout them out.

There is no point, as in i'm not trying to make one. There are only reasons to go on, or move on...noun from noun, as sometimes there are no adjectives that can color our nouns the color desired. But if a noun is a noun..and we have the will (collective noun for heart/mind/soul) and adjectives to paint...why not build the noun how it desires rather than how we desire? Sometimes subtracting and/or adding noun from noun. All that is required are verbs. Which if looked at from a far, noun could see that all that lies beneath any well built noun are notable verbs. The adjectives being only flags flying in the wind, attached to the noun by yet more verbs.

(So i sit, in my office, this December morning..never pretending to not need help. And i ask where this noun is heuristically...that is an emotionally charged question to ponder..because i MUST know. I must know what new verbs to place under this noun..or the adjectives to use to lay the noun to rest).
Now for the allegory above..a noun for the ponderance: (only if you like, many nouns have not and will not get this far)

I right here.

I write this here because I know no one is listening in this space.
I write here because I can sound off as loud and as hard as I desire to no peanut gallery.
I write here because the fight to keep this personification overwhelms me at times, but not all together.
I write here because the things that look to others as weakness are truly the greatest strengths and I only desire their ears and maybe tears..not wisdom and words.
I write here to keep my friends from being burdened.
I write here because I have yet to encounter someone as compassionate as myself.
I write here because I hear me, and I'm a damn good listener.

My friends come to me in need, and in want. I have chosen this path but it will claim my life before I've seen grandchildren. I live my life in imbalance because to be balanced would be selling the world short of whatever is inside me to give. That is the only reason why I'm here. But human hearts are not built to last long in that reasoning. One man proved that.

My ex-wife has no desire to do me any good. Yet she makes great practice out of insuring everything that goes wrong between us is due to my short-comings. She's really fantastic at it. She refuses to allow my young gentlemen to have more time with their father as they have requested many times over, for what reason? She is in control. She is the boss and I refuse to allow the courts to intervene and do anything. In the back of my mind, I know she'll get her way. She always has..I just want them happy.

I have friends that live on the streets of San Diego. One young man pulled me aside last weekend and made a big deal about it. He asked if I funded the things I do out there by myself..if I was out there just to try and make things better. I replied in truth...yes, I am. he says he wants to be like me. Having not a father of his own, or an older brother, he wants to be like me. He hung out with me the entire evening...why? I cannot venture a clue, but he wants to...how am I supposed to take that? I'm simply living my life, anyone reading this would never understand the subtext of that statement..because we don't Love in this way. I will adopt him, him and I will have many adventures to come.

I have the idea that my family looks down on me for the wrong I've done in the past. The lone wolf mentality that I have lived my entire life...did I learn it from somewhere? Who should know...not me. But when they need, I do all I can to arrive in those moments. Sometimes in mystery.

I was raised in a church that because of my actions during a period of time in my life where I made not very great decisions, I am an outcast. I have no credibility with them. I have stuck out my neck for congregants in the past that have done similar actions...adultery, way before I became one. Knowing their pain they face day after day is a perpetual death sentence that never runs dry of masochism. So why not sound off here? I listen to me.

In this abandoned circus of freak shows past and recurring, I listen here. I need to hear me for what are these problems (even to my own standard) compared to what is in the world? Day by day? And as I write these silly complaints, they already are leaving my waking mind. Just wadding. At least now, I can see better..although, not with my eyes.

Breath #2

They're all I have...

A wisp of grin, a series of mouth palps..clearing his tongue in his sleep. Chewing on gum in a dream, making conversation with the Angels as he sleeps...I wonder what they're talking about?

I'm an engineer by trades and school. I look around and notice the angles and symmetry of my surroundings. Trapezoids, triangles, ellipses, radii and diameters. I see the imperfections, the design flaws in what men of stature send me to look over and give opinions to, to design a better product for a better world, many of a time...

I haven't counted how many times I've watched them as they sleep, the only time I get to touch them without a reaction.

I have yet to find something out of place...and it's what I do. I make $XXXXXX doing this for companies, local and abroad...I can't find...ONE.

And it's one first I've had where I have no questions.

In my mind, I go on for miles and miles. Perpetually expressing the Love, the purity and intent..I want to be good, kind of need to be...

You save me everyday...every day.

Neurotic

There’s more!!!

-Haven’t yet discussed the open-ended, perpetually, non-terminal relationships you keep, pk…W…T…F, bra???

(What comes next is a conversation with myself. I wouldn’t disclaim this, but I’m trying consideration). To self:  “ Convo with self…? You’re so fucking neurotic, you silly cynic..a convo it is, then:”.

Yes, bra..they’re very open-ended. I like to keep company that I cant keep, HAHAHA!!

So lets dive deep into the narcissistic value here...a question..who can handle you? In your opinion..?

No one.

Why’s that?

I haven’t a clue, just like the way it sounds. Makes it seem like I have massive walls to overcome.

Did you scare her?

Which one?

Dude, really? (hahaha!)

Yes pk, fucking really! No joke, I haven’t a clue whom you’re talking about…notice the grammar. It’s amazing, jussayin.

Not there..you ALWAYS spell that wrong…

It’s on purpose, son of a bitch. But wait, what??

“ Live unbruised, we are friends….I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

What’s that??

Don’t sigh..you know she defined that.

Yeah, but does she know you, though?

Yeah..she TOTALLY does…

One foot in the sea, one in the sand/fire.

Hey!! Finish that text! You could totally get us laid tonight. You know I’m not as smooth when I’m like this..

Well then maybe you should be doing this…? Ya think?? Ah, never mind, she already responded…thought for sure she’d be passed out by now.

Holy shit!! That’s silly…did you say please?

Nah, wait…yesidid, wait…no, I didn’t. Kind of put it in a way that made me sound like a douche…I’m impressed…

Good to know, Mister…good to know… So what’s going on tonight??

Nothing, if there was a goal, one of us blew it.

So, gonna get ourselves then?

…of course…

(Third pk): Pks, you two are going to need more wine.

True!!

True!! Aight then, after I get more pasta…

What? The? Fuck are you talking about?? You were NOT..eating PASTA!?!?

Wait, wasn’t this a reflection night?

Yes!! It fucking was!!!

Dude, your handwriting sucks ass…jussayin.

FYI, stupid ass..it’s “just saying”, you’re SPELLING sucks ass!!!

Afookayew…

You first.

I will! Just…hide your eyes.

K..wait..(HAHA!)

Dude, you hilarious to youself..

Yeah..I crack me up…

Aaaaaand on that note…

Yep! Finish your beer silly…dude… ;)

OMGGGGG, gotta get home…

Ah, this is gonna suck…forgot where the car is.

Ah shiat…mothafucka, you better remember…

Pk.

What?

Your mind is pretty strong. I don’t mind saying.

Now THAT’S comedy, bra..I mean not laughing…? But I TOTALLY smell pasta…totally…really, really… Let’s find the car!!!

Oh, Gawd yes…lets…

Fingers On A Page

3/26/13

Fingers on a page…is there an investment in energy that can be stored in paper? Or is it just another facet of ‘the Matrix’? As in what it is that we assign value to gets it (our energy). Of course that’s true (idiota..). Just sitting here sippin’ beer…fuckin lush.

-But really? I just wrote something, a massive something…that I would assign all that I have left to that isn’t assigned already to permanence. All romantic connections would come to a quick halt…as reigns jerk Clydesdale's, sheer power yielding to the yoke of ‘being broken’. It’s not all I was created with…maybe all that shit is just distraction?? IDK, IDC…not enough, anyway. I assigned the emotion, I invested energy. I brought that paper to life…wait…

Recalling the last I felt such electricity, such life…I can’t remember except for being heartbroken at certain moments. So the value maybe comes from the other side. Might I be being thought of? I do wonder what she dreams about…if she sees me…if she’ll know me. I disavow the altruism in my soul for a touch…just one..fucking..touch.

                Or not, because such a touch could steal my soul.  But, alas, don’t  be a fool, she could have it. Of all of those you’ve Loved, she would deserve it.  (As I feel the intense desire in me to bloody my fists). Calm, pk..calma te…tranquilo, papi. ..

Electricity on a page, its alive, it DOES exist. This Love thing. Yep…just checked. It’s not in my writing or eloquence of skill that’s kinetic. It’s the “assignment”, you’re vested, and vested things grow in value.

Is it time to go home yet?  Too many things to try and capture…and your handwriting is unbearable, right now. Like wet sand in a pillow ;). (Mental note, good memory..that was fucking hilarious). I should go see what the roomies are up to…and my late night visitor.

Uganda Man

Remember and believe what you are seeing...it's True Love. It's what it looks like- brokenness is for others, as in it's meant for others worth, and not for you.
- This man has seen what has made him believe. he speaks in absolutes, as in there is NO..other..way. Not even a half way, or a fraction given. 'Maybe' doesn't exist in his world.

- All and over again do these days just keep falling. Like peanut butter flung on a wall in a sweltering house. I feel today it's a question of humanity relating itself for we are so, so distant when it comes to housing the soul of another. All of us looking for what every last one of us is looking for, but no one looking to fulfill it in another. Do we, or no? Because in small patterns *slash steps I'm sure we do. So how many times do we sit and answer that question? Not only that, (and in furthering the growth of our own soul) seek to put physical action to the cute sentiment...intended emoticons. At the end of that thought and at the end of our lives, how many of those experiences could we count? A blessed society we could...COULD be, if those outnumbered the years of our very lives.

Two souls sit in a rust-stained room. Calling on the memories to reanimate the feelings that they both were so certain existed. The current and recent actions proving the outcome. Recently even soiling the clothing they still wear after a physical expression of passion. And maybe coming to another epiphany that all others with wisdom and reason determine is wrong...the essence of true belief. (Uganda Man, a super hero in my mind). Though some things just don't make sense and the Love between them only star-crossed because the point of view was skewed. Maybe in this epiphany, they can both reason that enough time can pass that the stars can truly cross, if they can wait...just wait.
But in a another glance- they've been here. And if reason plays a supporting role, then all the belief in the world only accelerates a backward progression. Wearing the same clothes that forensics can prove a soiling over the same arguments and same pain. Old Loves...new connections. Undying metaphysical bonds and cortical soul-ties.

" Just realize what didn't work before, why it didn't work, not 'THAT' it didn't. Fix the 'why' and try again."

More than belief is faith (think about it). Which I have for you both. and I do give my last vial of that substance to you and her. For more than a heaven's sake, drink it, it's worth something.
I used to believe in singularity, but now I believe for you both. Dare to do what hasn't been done yet.

Make it because you...choose to.

It's amazing, when we switch from our need to have to our need to give, what miracles can materialize from humanity. Leaving the true magic to God. In the end, in all forms of religion and agnosticism, it's not about who Loved you, it's about the Love you gave. In that, all of us are created equal. And no one will ever be greater than the other.

Letters to me 1/30/13

You question yourself, a hard question...one of the toughest in your soul: " Why don't you rebel?"
In other words- " What's the hold up, pk? Get in your mind, go further...get in your soul and truly live before your passion burns you up from the inside out. Such a quiet and quick death...RE-BEL...it can't go down this way."

This word rings so loud in me- just to scream a perspective in my ear-

We're all here to do what we're all here to do. Nothing changes that, no one steals that...only you cheat yourself. Even you haven't experienced that much freedom, as unlocked as your mind is. A careless levity that damages nothing but effects everything! It makes it all 'clean'- easy. It influences the darkest and most stubborn soul's depth.

- Why are you fucking around?? You whore yourself like a sport to be good at. You bath yourself in the validation of those that don't know your Dad and take it as a sign that you're 'well'. GET OUT!

Answer: " Knowing your condition- is the reason you must die!!!"

You're beginning to see the box you're in, soul-chained. Imprisoned heart, keeping yourself amongst the dead. You have made your reality that you're the minority with a majority of expectation. You're a slave to it.

- Ask yourself, pk...can you live uncompromisable? Would you have the balls to walk and live and grow in an environment you don't control? Not in this world where you've taught yourself you're 'ok'?
- You know the only way out is through confrontation- an argument with yourself where the minority in you wins. Don't run from it..it's supposed to hurt. (Don't you remember? How good that brokenness felt? Your heart has endured so much...pain. This age and every ages way, YOUR way, nothing higher...don't fool yourself. DON'T...fool...yourself! It's not an honorable path in the end.

There was a quickening. A spiritual flick on the ear, speaking and reminding you of what you've forgotten. Nullified by physical pleasures you inflict on your pitied soul (her words, true?- " Oh, wretched man I am...whom will deliver me?")

Conclusion: It's a simple thing. The things I've said, adding to my blindness: " Why did I say that? Why...did I SAY that? Blindness, pure blindness." Old excerpt: Don't seek to find the problems in the church or any 'body'. Seek the shit in yourself and become the solution...you are already. And you're your own mad scientist. Experimenting on your own soul in morbid and masochistic practice.
So- perform your labs, do your work. Figure shit out, then deal with it and live- you should read this as often as possible.

Love,
-pk

Again, Thinking Outloud

feeling your eyes on my page, not sure of the process.
Maybe a cordial thought is in my mind of you..maybe its phallic as well...cordially phallic. What an interesting sentiment. But for now, it's just my thoughts.

i feel sometimes that my focus is a bit misconstrued. Thinking my audience is a bit more specific, but that's not the case. I Love to live in the realm of possibility, as if things will present themselves in the time, and again, I'm SO patient..to a fault.

speaking of faults and recalling the mistakes we've made as a nation (not to complain being in the 'land of the free'), all political. Maybe I've been too political, or critical. The propensity is like plastic lyrical cylindrical miracles spun in disregard for the physical of mathematical calculation. Eluding to the mystical value of a soul thinking itself higher than its theoretical Maker, so...disproportional to an intended thought of the individual explaining the patterns of thought inside of THIS Scorpio's head. And I often wonder why I am so misunderstood by so many...but I know me..I know ME.

in conclusion, which is no end at all, this is a simple conversation from head to heart, trying to decipher the lines in between the rampaged emotion.

Nonetheless..need to get out, it's mad hat night with two fine young gents whom always, ALWAYS have my mind in mind, trying to be me. No matter how much I tell them to be any other man. Time to get to Fashion Valley, because we have fashion to attain for Mission Valley...because we're on a mission.

That will be all, you can go now. Good Night. :)