You question yourself, a hard question...one of the toughest in your soul: " Why don't you rebel?"
In other words- " What's the hold up, pk? Get in your mind, go further...get in your soul and truly live before your passion burns you up from the inside out. Such a quiet and quick death...RE-BEL...it can't go down this way."
This word rings so loud in me- just to scream a perspective in my ear-
We're all here to do what we're all here to do. Nothing changes that, no one steals that...only you cheat yourself. Even you haven't experienced that much freedom, as unlocked as your mind is. A careless levity that damages nothing but effects everything! It makes it all 'clean'- easy. It influences the darkest and most stubborn soul's depth.
- Why are you fucking around?? You whore yourself like a sport to be good at. You bath yourself in the validation of those that don't know your Dad and take it as a sign that you're 'well'. GET OUT!
Answer: " Knowing your condition- is the reason you must die!!!"
You're beginning to see the box you're in, soul-chained. Imprisoned heart, keeping yourself amongst the dead. You have made your reality that you're the minority with a majority of expectation. You're a slave to it.
- Ask yourself, pk...can you live uncompromisable? Would you have the balls to walk and live and grow in an environment you don't control? Not in this world where you've taught yourself you're 'ok'?
- You know the only way out is through confrontation- an argument with yourself where the minority in you wins. Don't run from it..it's supposed to hurt. (Don't you remember? How good that brokenness felt? Your heart has endured so much...pain. This age and every ages way, YOUR way, nothing higher...don't fool yourself. DON'T...fool...yourself! It's not an honorable path in the end.
There was a quickening. A spiritual flick on the ear, speaking and reminding you of what you've forgotten. Nullified by physical pleasures you inflict on your pitied soul (her words, true?- " Oh, wretched man I am...whom will deliver me?")
Conclusion: It's a simple thing. The things I've said, adding to my blindness: " Why did I say that? Why...did I SAY that? Blindness, pure blindness." Old excerpt: Don't seek to find the problems in the church or any 'body'. Seek the shit in yourself and become the solution...you are already. And you're your own mad scientist. Experimenting on your own soul in morbid and masochistic practice.
So- perform your labs, do your work. Figure shit out, then deal with it and live- you should read this as often as possible.