Just walking outside for a moment. That tree- In the morning, sunning from the east its like a christmas tree in summer. And when i fiddle my keys and duck under it, sunning from the west, it feels like dry ice melting.
Right now i cant imagine a stable and happy life. What patterns lead you there? The openness of normal? Ive spent the past few days arguing by myself if im indeed a mockery of whats is innocent and pure in this world. Sometimes my smallest son doesnt want to be with me..what does that mean?
(Where is She? Why did She take so long to get here and leave?)
" Ive been waiting, waiting for this moment all my life. But its not quite right." Tiny blue speakers shouting the true truth to me. The only thing tuned in right now, unless im being felt by someone far away and out of influence no doubt. Im not denying, im just...sad.
I want to fly. Just want to push both blue speakers in and up. So its not like dissappearing, just going away. Just find a thundercloud to hide in, something that falls and leaps with the tempo of my own soul. Maybe be close enough to heaven that John could make out the tear tracks as im not wiping them away. And for these past few days emotions overtake me at the simplest of things. Good music, speed, the thought of 'being good', the needs i could and never will meet.
Its like a transition of an extroverted person becoming a recluse. White walls like a soft cocoon, its just me in here- wow, wow. (So this is what it feels like to...and im wide awake).
I feel a calling in me. The death of spirit and flesh and a very finalizing event showing previews in dreams. I dont even regard them as nightmares, so strange and peaceful. (Why am i ok with this?)
And ive been deep-breathing all day. Long 'sighs', i dont feel ok with myself. I write the entire algorhythm for my lifes path on a whiteboard, knowing ill be the only one ever in this room. Knowing also that She'll find it somehow and mess with my calculations, laughing her ass off, of course. (Please, leave my whiteboard alone, please? Unless you have the courage to really face your fears all at once. Its just not funny anymore...i, am, dying- do you see?)
*hold on, ill be back. I gotta try and get some lazy Friday work done. These guys are actually depending on me and i LOVE wearing dependability.