Tuesday, June 25, 2013

I right here.

I write this here because I know no one is listening in this space.
I write here because I can sound off as loud and as hard as I desire to no peanut gallery.
I write here because the fight to keep this personification overwhelms me at times, but not all together.
I write here because the things that look to others as weakness are truly the greatest strengths and I only desire their ears and maybe tears..not wisdom and words.
I write here to keep my friends from being burdened.
I write here because I have yet to encounter someone as compassionate as myself.
I write here because I hear me, and I'm a damn good listener.

My friends come to me in need, and in want. I have chosen this path but it will claim my life before I've seen grandchildren. I live my life in imbalance because to be balanced would be selling the world short of whatever is inside me to give. That is the only reason why I'm here. But human hearts are not built to last long in that reasoning. One man proved that.

My ex-wife has no desire to do me any good. Yet she makes great practice out of insuring everything that goes wrong between us is due to my short-comings. She's really fantastic at it. She refuses to allow my young gentlemen to have more time with their father as they have requested many times over, for what reason? She is in control. She is the boss and I refuse to allow the courts to intervene and do anything. In the back of my mind, I know she'll get her way. She always has..I just want them happy.

I have friends that live on the streets of San Diego. One young man pulled me aside last weekend and made a big deal about it. He asked if I funded the things I do out there by myself..if I was out there just to try and make things better. I replied in truth...yes, I am. he says he wants to be like me. Having not a father of his own, or an older brother, he wants to be like me. He hung out with me the entire evening...why? I cannot venture a clue, but he wants to...how am I supposed to take that? I'm simply living my life, anyone reading this would never understand the subtext of that statement..because we don't Love in this way. I will adopt him, him and I will have many adventures to come.

I have the idea that my family looks down on me for the wrong I've done in the past. The lone wolf mentality that I have lived my entire life...did I learn it from somewhere? Who should know...not me. But when they need, I do all I can to arrive in those moments. Sometimes in mystery.

I was raised in a church that because of my actions during a period of time in my life where I made not very great decisions, I am an outcast. I have no credibility with them. I have stuck out my neck for congregants in the past that have done similar actions...adultery, way before I became one. Knowing their pain they face day after day is a perpetual death sentence that never runs dry of masochism. So why not sound off here? I listen to me.

In this abandoned circus of freak shows past and recurring, I listen here. I need to hear me for what are these problems (even to my own standard) compared to what is in the world? Day by day? And as I write these silly complaints, they already are leaving my waking mind. Just wadding. At least now, I can see better..although, not with my eyes.

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