Thursday, March 28, 2013

Breath #2

They're all I have...

A wisp of grin, a series of mouth palps..clearing his tongue in his sleep. Chewing on gum in a dream, making conversation with the Angels as he sleeps...I wonder what they're talking about?

I'm an engineer by trades and school. I look around and notice the angles and symmetry of my surroundings. Trapezoids, triangles, ellipses, radii and diameters. I see the imperfections, the design flaws in what men of stature send me to look over and give opinions to, to design a better product for a better world, many of a time...

I haven't counted how many times I've watched them as they sleep, the only time I get to touch them without a reaction.

I have yet to find something out of place...and it's what I do. I make $XXXXXX doing this for companies, local and abroad...I can't find...ONE.

And it's one first I've had where I have no questions.

In my mind, I go on for miles and miles. Perpetually expressing the Love, the purity and intent..I want to be good, kind of need to be...

You save me everyday...every day.


There’s more!!!
-Haven’t yet discussed the open-ended, perpetually, non-terminal relationships you keep, pk…W…T…F, bra???
(What comes next is a conversation with myself. I wouldn’t disclaim this, but I’m trying consideration). To self:  “ Convo with self…? You’re so fucking neurotic, you silly cynic..a convo it is, then:”.

Yes, bra..they’re very open-ended. I like to keep company that I cant keep, HAHAHA!!
So lets dive deep into the narcissistic value here...a question..who can handle you? In your opinion..?

No one.

Why’s that?

I haven’t a clue, just like the way it sounds. Makes it seem like I have massive walls to overcome.

Did you scare her?

Which one?

Dude, really? (hahaha!)

Yes pk, fucking really! No joke, I haven’t a clue whom you’re talking about…notice the grammar. It’s amazing, jussayin.

Not ALWAYS spell that wrong…

It’s on purpose, son of a bitch. But wait, what??

“ Live unbruised, we are friends….I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

What’s that??

Don’t know she defined that.

Yeah, but does she know you, though?

Yeah..she TOTALLY does…

One foot in the sea, one in the sand/fire.

Hey!! Finish that text! You could totally get us laid tonight. You know I’m not as smooth when I’m like this..

Well then maybe you should be doing this…? Ya think?? Ah, never mind, she already responded…thought for sure she’d be passed out by now.

Holy shit!! That’s silly…did you say please?

Nah, wait…yesidid, wait…no, I didn’t. Kind of put it in a way that made me sound like a douche…I’m impressed…

Good to know, Mister…good to know… So what’s going on tonight??

Nothing, if there was a goal, one of us blew it.

So, gonna get ourselves then?

…of course…

(Third pk): Pks, you two are going to need more wine.


True!! Aight then, after I get more pasta…

What? The? Fuck are you talking about?? You were NOT..eating PASTA!?!?

Wait, wasn’t this a reflection night?

Yes!! It fucking was!!!

Dude, your handwriting sucks ass…jussayin.

FYI, stupid’s “just saying”, you’re SPELLING sucks ass!!!


You first.

I will! Just…hide your eyes.


Dude, you hilarious to youself..

Yeah..I crack me up…

Aaaaaand on that note…

Yep! Finish your beer silly…dude… ;)

OMGGGGG, gotta get home…

Ah, this is gonna suck…forgot where the car is.

Ah shiat…mothafucka, you better remember…



Your mind is pretty strong. I don’t mind saying.

Now THAT’S comedy, bra..I mean not laughing…? But I TOTALLY smell pasta…totally…really, really… Let’s find the car!!!
Oh, Gawd yes…lets…

Fingers On A Page

Fingers on a page…is there an investment in energy that can be stored in paper? Or is it just another facet of ‘the Matrix’? As in what it is that we assign value to gets it (our energy). Of course that’s true (idiota..). Just sitting here sippin’ beer…fuckin lush.
-But really? I just wrote something, a massive something…that I would assign all that I have left to that isn’t assigned already to permanence. All romantic connections would come to a quick halt…as reigns jerk Clydesdale's, sheer power yielding to the yoke of ‘being broken’. It’s not all I was created with…maybe all that shit is just distraction?? IDK, IDC…not enough, anyway. I assigned the emotion, I invested energy. I brought that paper to life…wait…
Recalling the last I felt such electricity, such life…I can’t remember except for being heartbroken at certain moments. So the value maybe comes from the other side. Might I be being thought of? I do wonder what she dreams about…if she sees me…if she’ll know me. I disavow the altruism in my soul for a touch…just one..fucking..touch.
                Or not, because such a touch could steal my soul.  But, alas, don’t  be a fool, she could have it. Of all of those you’ve Loved, she would deserve it.  (As I feel the intense desire in me to bloody my fists). Calm, pk..calma te…tranquilo, papi. ..
Electricity on a page, its alive, it DOES exist. This Love thing. Yep…just checked. It’s not in my writing or eloquence of skill that’s kinetic. It’s the “assignment”, you’re vested, and vested things grow in value.
Is it time to go home yet?  Too many things to try and capture…and your handwriting is unbearable, right now. Like wet sand in a pillow ;). (Mental note, good memory..that was fucking hilarious). I should go see what the roomies are up to…and my late night visitor.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Uganda Man

Remember and believe what you are's True Love. It's what it looks like- brokenness is for others, as in it's meant for others worth, and not for you.
- This man has seen what has made him believe. he speaks in absolutes, as in there is NO..other..way. Not even a half way, or a fraction given. 'Maybe' doesn't exist in his world.

- All and over again do these days just keep falling. Like peanut butter flung on a wall in a sweltering house. I feel today it's a question of humanity relating itself for we are so, so distant when it comes to housing the soul of another. All of us looking for what every last one of us is looking for, but no one looking to fulfill it in another. Do we, or no? Because in small patterns *slash steps I'm sure we do. So how many times do we sit and answer that question? Not only that, (and in furthering the growth of our own soul) seek to put physical action to the cute sentiment...intended emoticons. At the end of that thought and at the end of our lives, how many of those experiences could we count? A blessed society we could...COULD be, if those outnumbered the years of our very lives.

Two souls sit in a rust-stained room. Calling on the memories to reanimate the feelings that they both were so certain existed. The current and recent actions proving the outcome. Recently even soiling the clothing they still wear after a physical expression of passion. And maybe coming to another epiphany that all others with wisdom and reason determine is wrong...the essence of true belief. (Uganda Man, a super hero in my mind). Though some things just don't make sense and the Love between them only star-crossed because the point of view was skewed. Maybe in this epiphany, they can both reason that enough time can pass that the stars can truly cross, if they can wait...just wait.
But in a another glance- they've been here. And if reason plays a supporting role, then all the belief in the world only accelerates a backward progression. Wearing the same clothes that forensics can prove a soiling over the same arguments and same pain. Old connections. Undying metaphysical bonds and cortical soul-ties.

" Just realize what didn't work before, why it didn't work, not 'THAT' it didn't. Fix the 'why' and try again."

More than belief is faith (think about it). Which I have for you both. and I do give my last vial of that substance to you and her. For more than a heaven's sake, drink it, it's worth something.
I used to believe in singularity, but now I believe for you both. Dare to do what hasn't been done yet.

Make it because you...choose to.

It's amazing, when we switch from our need to have to our need to give, what miracles can materialize from humanity. Leaving the true magic to God. In the end, in all forms of religion and agnosticism, it's not about who Loved you, it's about the Love you gave. In that, all of us are created equal. And no one will ever be greater than the other.

Letters to me 1/30/13

You question yourself, a hard of the toughest in your soul: " Why don't you rebel?"
In other words- " What's the hold up, pk? Get in your mind, go further...get in your soul and truly live before your passion burns you up from the inside out. Such a quiet and quick can't go down this way."

This word rings so loud in me- just to scream a perspective in my ear-

We're all here to do what we're all here to do. Nothing changes that, no one steals that...only you cheat yourself. Even you haven't experienced that much freedom, as unlocked as your mind is. A careless levity that damages nothing but effects everything! It makes it all 'clean'- easy. It influences the darkest and most stubborn soul's depth.

- Why are you fucking around?? You whore yourself like a sport to be good at. You bath yourself in the validation of those that don't know your Dad and take it as a sign that you're 'well'. GET OUT!

Answer: " Knowing your condition- is the reason you must die!!!"

You're beginning to see the box you're in, soul-chained. Imprisoned heart, keeping yourself amongst the dead. You have made your reality that you're the minority with a majority of expectation. You're a slave to it.

- Ask yourself, pk...can you live uncompromisable? Would you have the balls to walk and live and grow in an environment you don't control? Not in this world where you've taught yourself you're 'ok'?
- You know the only way out is through confrontation- an argument with yourself where the minority in you wins. Don't run from's supposed to hurt. (Don't you remember? How good that brokenness felt? Your heart has endured so much...pain. This age and every ages way, YOUR way, nothing higher...don't fool yourself. DON'T...fool...yourself! It's not an honorable path in the end.

There was a quickening. A spiritual flick on the ear, speaking and reminding you of what you've forgotten. Nullified by physical pleasures you inflict on your pitied soul (her words, true?- " Oh, wretched man I am...whom will deliver me?")

Conclusion: It's a simple thing. The things I've said, adding to my blindness: " Why did I say that? Why...did I SAY that? Blindness, pure blindness." Old excerpt: Don't seek to find the problems in the church or any 'body'. Seek the shit in yourself and become the are already. And you're your own mad scientist. Experimenting on your own soul in morbid and masochistic practice.
So- perform your labs, do your work. Figure shit out, then deal with it and live- you should read this as often as possible.