I wasn't all about it...not really. But we do have desires, created for the pro. That part was only 10% unsatisfying. (Go ahead...curse me out into your pillow...although it's a crazy compliment coming from a man like me, haha).
Why was I there that night? I want to word this differently but there are so many versions of me and only 2 of you as one with knowledge like mine might see. Maybe all of mine are shallow and your 2 lack a shallow end, idk...you did denote you were down for whatever. I think you were curious enough to "venture out" (as you stated I did, not saying that wasn't true, just, well...timing sucks and I couldn't say no to a beautiful woman; sub parenthesis: *beautiful...I've confused myself before but see clearly every time before I break a heart; 2nd sub parenthesis; you have no ass...perfect to other men in the chest, but never has that held me back from diving into a soul, and *yours*? I think i could swim in for a lifetime, if only for...) but your "venture" was for just that..curiousity. Mine was much different...*much, MUCH* different. Part of it was that I needed to see if I could love after all this...shit. And it appears only I control that.
I'm not going to respond to the passive aggression (yes...you're passive aggressive, which is annoying but only slightly as I have made my synopsis akin to..how do humans say it? Cute?) as I know there are things about your information and outbursts and impatience you left incomplete like a girl playing jacks with the biggest boy on the block with no moves of your own. I'd say secrecy is a good bet when it comes to me. It's the only thing that confuses the empath screaming in my ear the truth of a situation. With time I've learned to not insist on that voice in my heart while I know the soul i built ebbs away for the same ignorance.
That night...seedy green...un-weeded pockets of lawns wearing signs of life for desperation's sake to beg a traveler to come nigh and abide a night or two...smoky room although we said non-smoking. ...,...,...that was *NOT* what I planned. Brandon Boyd begs you're an Anna Molly (listen to the song, Babe). It was a weekend to try and garner the wisdom I needed of more ancient things than what I "know". I was still in love with her....,....,...and I should have told you. I didn't want to take the risk of losing you, my bad that I couldn't trust you with the information. You wont ever make sense with knowledge of both sides of the beautiful mess of this and will spell everything out here to be your own comfortable reasoning to cut this off, you having no blame at all...much like a man to a whore (but *all* women do this, just cant be wrong, which at this stage is also "cute"). And I've been a man-whore (NOT to you) so I get the entitlement. You'll tell yourself things to make your mind and heart at ease so you'll be able to move on. And I'll watch as you do, making happy mentions of your newfound love. Maybe it will end the same but for different reasons..who knows these things? But that gross hotel was not the plan. You interfered, you *had* to be there for the show. I cancelled the show to be with you..switching into a former version of myself I buried long ago. I'll be honest, it was hard to take you seriously after that, which I'm certain the feeling is mutual...we all want things to be perfect and make sense. Had I had my show, maybe I would have learned from the rocks and trees and dirt what I am capable of and why...and I will again, but will we make it that far? God, I hope so.
That night...was NOT...how I planned things to go...with *you*.
Coincidental note: That Wal-Mart trip was better than most the women I've been with. I know that doesn't give you any relief for pride-sake, but it means something in my world. Last time I had that much fun was playing hide n' go seek with the soulmate that beat the shit out of me (again...not much for you that precipitates flight ability from happy thoughts for you but I fly *high* on that shit).
I *did* step out...I took a chance..with the perfect person..for *both* outcomes. And did nothing to manipulate the situation other than not risk hurt...which is everything.
For that, my green-eye'd anomaly, I am guilty of all sins. I could only be resolved by you at this point which I'm certain you would offer forgiveness for said crime. However I know I would never have the *real* you...the one that has made sense of what little magic I've spelled for you is really nothing but parlor tricks on Main or The Boulevard. I wont tell you there's more because that would make you curious..and your daughter is too inexperienced to advise you against taking another risk (FUUUUCK..JUSSAYIN...SHE WOULD *LOVE* ME, and I her)...I look too familiar to men that hurt other women in the same way (GOD I only wish you would live life a bit more in the mother position! But that might be my misunderstanding as well...again, who knows?).
I *don't* accept a finality. Nor do I truly wish you off to a better life for the best you could have is with me. But how does one(I) ask someone(you) they are potentially in love with (I to you), despite the apparently immature bullshit they (you, both sentiments) are throwing around without a mutual conversation, to just...*please wait*...to wait. i started things at the wrong time with you but i had to see what my heart was capable of. AND DAMNIT!! i *want* to love you....i honestly believe that i do. But i need time to wrestle my heart over the lies i've told myself about Pamela (yeah...no more indirect words). The mysteries unsolved..the questions she now will never answer...I need them to be laid to rest without the satiation of an answer (which i *SO* need but have the will to decide they aren't worth it). But im not there yet...and i could never ask your innocent soul to be my safety net.
This is not an argument, of which i've enjoyed ours. This is not a "reply" or a rebuttal as i'm not arguing against any of the several (*damn* the way your mind works is...intrinsic, but younger; sub parenthesis; naive would be too far, it's somewhere in between, i'll leave that there) points of view in your final letter.
There's so much more to be said here but damnit....be released...not saying i wont knock on your door down the road. This story has just begun for me and you are not just any woman...to me. i should stop moving my fingers...and i'll probably never post this, nonetheless it belongs here...in the virtual world, forever...
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