Candle...light...

burns bright in the west. Like a fire at its last breath, reaching further before it dies...

the color reaching emotions too high for human souls, more neurotic than alien species. An emotion that killed off civilizations.

the spark that fills the immediate atmosphere, with sprites that kindle north and south..a whole fucking world of dim light..where all looks a standard of beautiful in the collective. Both straight and bent souls can conceive.

makes Love to the entity's above, kissing pain. Falling deeper into the salty turbulence, abreast the beautiful and sad grit and mire.

bringing the desire to see her eyes once more. The floor in the mansion of a broken heart in Kerouac's cynical speech of life and honor.

its so cold...its so alone...

beckons the whole in me to fall again, over and over, til the rest is dust. Waiting for the rain to wash away the truth of me. To reveal to me the truth-

That I am...nothing.

its everything. Its everything. Forever and always~

The Things They'll Never See

So, our family huddles. We wait for the news that is inevitable. In this time, all we expect is pain.

But we are young..and strong. Weak is for the emotionless. We choose to feel all things.

She looks at him, in that moment. The soundtrack of her choice plays through her head, making a mainstay memory. This one is gonna hurt a while.
He reaches for her in the silence that is all he's capable of now. The words flow without a sound and effort to her soul, " It's ok...it's going to be ok...Love has you, my little darling."

She weeps.

She feels her heart just cannot bear another heartache. She asks herself, inquisitive and pendantic what went wrong. If there was some evil that is lending itself to help the karma of the moment overtake her well-earned, goodness of a soul.

It's nothing.
Truly nothing, Love.

Life is as we make it. We get thrown pieces we are expected to make sense of. Placing them on top of the deep piles of unused portions of our lives that we just, don't, want, to see, any longer. And it's ok, Love..it really is.

Your mind is akin to those that see those pieces of dark color and saddening sediment for what they are. And after the moment of surprise is gone...you giggle. Not a full blown laughter, and nowhere near a cynical reaction, but a reality re courses its path through your soul and it tickles you.

You wont be bought.

You wont be subtle.

You wont be sold.

You wont be disabled.

You wont be crushed...

You, wont, be..destroyed.

Because you've seen it before. The pieces that come as a part of this life.
And you remember assembling them to a point.
But you remember, as you stood back, you saw it only pieced together an ugly mosaic of control. A stained tapestry of moments life told you to quit.
And you remember, it nearly had you convinced. But then you quoted the above, all on your own. In the silent places no one has ever seen, or heard of..not even those closest to the deepest part of your selfless Love. The places where your powers are only limited by what you believe. The things they'll never see...the strength they'll never see.

Because it lies underneath your tears. They see that as weakness. And 'the powers that be' throw you more and more to get you to break. But they don't realize

...you cannot break what is unbreakable...

...and its unbreakable...because its broken...

You are, and it's beautiful...it's the only way the true light in the dark can overcome all things.

It's the only state where we are truly strong.

So gather your sticks, make a fire..stay a while. The breath you breathe is fresh and new. And while you sleep here, you affect them. Do you know? I believe you do..and so do 'they'. The rest of your world. You save them everyday by it, your brokenness.

Shine on, my sweet friend. Your light has even touched my soul.

Shine on. :)

...beautiful.

My thoughts today are completely wrapped around a (K)inetic touch. Absorbed in a pha(L)lic delivery, making you feel everything I touch, pretending its your skin.

(adding to this thought, in a non-ending future).

l )&&" "( Kf

Sex (part 1)

" So," he says, walking firmly on the birm above the breaker wall, " Blondes, brunettes, gingers? What, bro? Is there honestly a preference that a young guy looks for? Really? Like hair color is going to be a pre-requirement?"

" No, bra," honestly shaking my head to the ground, " Besides, we're speaking, ummm, I don't know..metaphorically? Hypothetically? What? And how old is this guy?"

" Twenty-three, bro."

" Hehe, seriously? That guy isn't old enough to even determine he's a mama's boy yet. Does he live at home, still?"

" Yep. And not in a 'had to move back in' sense. He just hasn't left yet."

" Wow, bra- Ok, so we're talking, what? This guy just started dating? Or is he some type of newbie pimp? We took him out ONCE! Ha!"

" Dude, you remember though, when everything was about that, right? Like, girls were just things you put in your pocket for later. The ones you knew you'd lose or the ones that were just too hot..? Shirt pocket, right? Haha!!"

" Haha!! Bradda...you know I missed that phase."

" No. You started early and were done by the time the rest of us came around to seeing girls as 'kissable'."

" Yea, yea...I don't know, bro. So, wait, what's his name again? The kid?"

" It's Alex, he calls himself 'Alpha'..."

"ALpha!! Alpha??? Did he name himself that at the bar the other night?"

" He DID, bro."

" Wow- wow. Ok, so..Alex. And he's asking YOU about what you look for in a girl.  Hate to break it, but you've been circling the same 'woman' for how long now? This kid ain't ready to be serious. Dude...YOU are a closet relationship junky, bra."

" Haha! How so? And why do you have to call me out like that? Hehe..I KNOW what I'm doing, ok? Just something in her I can't let go."

" I know this, bro. You don't think I see it? And hey- if it's because of our little 'wingman for a few years' deal, I'm calling a break in treaty. Yes, the chick is crazy. Yes, she's done some weird stuff over the past few months. But the SECOND she told you that if you weren't going to get serious with her, or in your words: ' I don't see this going anywhere', you ass... She says shes lookin' at gettin' serious with this other guy, you're ALL over her again. Am I summing this up correctly?"

" Ugh, dude..its not.."

" F*ck yeah, it IS..like 'that'. Do you remember your thirteen steps, bra? What's the last one?"

Simultaneously, we yell, " DENIAL!!!"

Uproarious laughter, " Dude, you remembered that! Haha!! What was that like, 10 years ago?"

" Yea, back when we were playa's. HAHA! Ah, bro, should we revisit the other twelve?"

" Haha! Yep, ready? Ok, first 5, lie 'til you get in the door. Six through eight, bring the tears."

" Nine through eleven, gentlemen until the end."

" And twelve...ugh...twelve, hahaa..."

" Yea, dude...hehe..twelve was always fun."

" Not always fun..sucked waking up with your tighties stuck to you."

" Ah, SH*T, bra!! You HAD to go there, of course..you're the 'Big DC'."

" You're the 'big PK'."

" 'Mediocre Pk'. So anyways, this guy right? Are you pimp-training or something?" Laughter from Dc, I continue," Is there some school I need to be made aware of where you're teaching this stuff?"

" No, dude, haha! Like I said, he was asking about what I look for in a girl. The question to you was, why you never hit on anyone when we go out?"

" You seriously are the worst communicator I've EVER known, You're worse than the ex, you know that?"

" Dude, just answer the question."

" Aight, aight, ha. Well, its like this. I've always been a one woman man. You would know, seeing as you're the same way. We go out, talk a ton of hype, make nothin' of it, right? So here it is...ok, wait. I have to get this off my chest. Bro? Seriously? If its because of our 'deal' that you're holding this girl off? Then you need to re-evaluate the nature of your RELATIONSHIP. Yes, I said it."

" Pk, you don't even know what.."

" NOPE..no, no, no. We aren't talking about that right now. You're still on step thirteen, remember? We're at that age we gotta start reversing those steps. Teach 'em to 'Alpha', haha! He'll use them well, I'm sure. Goin around callin himself 'Alpha'- What is he like..a buck fifty? Maybe? He's not six foot either, he ain't taller than me."

" Yeah, haha! He's a pippy. Yuppy little guy, kinda cute, don't ya think?"

" Haha, yes, cute, bra. Ok, want me to answer this?"

" YES, bro! Sincerely, all ears..GO."

" So, there's intimacy. You'd know. It's the moments you know you love sharing but hate showing it. Those movies you learn you actually like, so you do away with the stereotype. Sometimes, we get lucky and find one that enjoys the occasional guy flic. They all say they like 'em, but truth be told."

" Yep, yep."

" Oh! Dude, did you try that thing on her I told you? With the peppermint lip balm?"

Coyly, " Hehe..yeah..hehe, I did. Dude...yeah..."

" Ok, just checkin. We're SO gonna chat about it in a minute. Ok. So intimacy. We used to not care whether it was the couch, living room, dining room, bathroom...on the rug in front of the fireplace..passin crevassier, haha, etc, you know.."

" Yea, yea.."

" It was anywhere, all the time, anytime. I'll summarize because we should go soon. It's not that I'm looking for any particular thing. True, there are idiosyncrasies I must get over in myself. Bad memories, things I'm closed off to, all that. Stuff that are 'preferences', yada, yada, yada... What I want? I want to touch her face, whomever she is. I want to taste what her cheeks look like after she takes her face off at night. Run my fingers over her wrinkles and imperfections, tell her 'its ok' and that I'm totally into the way she looks to me. Nibble at her ears, take her earrings off with my tongue and teeth, hehe... Dude, there are SO many perfect looking women out there. Not what I'm after. But if she can hold her own while I feel her out? The scars, the blemishes, the marks she'll no doubt be like ' Eww, don't touch that! I HATE that about my body!' and SWAT my hands away..yeah. The times when we get to be just us, ourselves in a bedroom with the door open. The mornings I get to leave her in bed to go down and cook up some 'gourmet petit dejeuner'. And seconds later, she comes behind me and wraps herself up around my chest, TOTALLY interfering with what I'm trying to do to impress her or...be romantic an sh*t? Yeah, those moments. When I know we can just deal with what comes on our time. That I don't have to pretend 'its all ok' all the time, wear that 'oh, I'm totally ok, all the time' face..stooopid. Start fights with her simply so I can hear strong opinions other than my own. Maybe watch her spin herself down just so at the end I can tell her she's right and I'm wrong. Have a staring contest just to watch the sunset in each others eyes, exchanging 'favors' when one of us loses, hehe. And ya know? I can find that with any girl. It's a question of: Do I want that with just any girl? I don't know, yet. But there's this one.."

" Knew it bra..tell, come on.."

" It's no one I've met, no one you know. I don't have pictures bro..just a thought that races around my mind from day to day. Trips me out..makes me miss her."

" I know, bra..I know what you feel."

" Yeah? That's good, bra, shows we've grown."

" Pk? ...can we like...kiss or something?"

" HAHAHA! Dude, DON'T swear me, bro, you know I'll do it, haha! But hey..not in front of the kids.."

" Yeah, for sure. Hey, seriously though man. Think I should 'see where it goes' with this one? Again?"

" My opinion? Yes. But make sure you're ready, I can tell you, you are, bra."

" Also, Pk?"

" What up, breh?"

" I Love you, bra."

" Love you too, bra..fo eves, right? Heehee! Let's do 'dis."

Walking off the pier, towards the car," We'll address 'Alpha', later."

 

Sissa...Brova

It's been 3 years, nearly 4. The wine was not so sweet that night, but the feeling was altogether like an ancient family recipe. I was a weary soul, you didn't know that, but felt it. You were God's present to me that year..and for my life. We were drawn in 'instancy', like magnets not just different polarity, but broken off from the same piece. It's one time in my life where I wasn't found by another, neither did I find someone...we found each other ;).
Then bubblegum dreams and pixie stick comments and haircuts. Comments on romantic and sexual connections, trying to feed that same demon that bounced back and forth between the chains we had tied around it's neck, as if we were its masters.
Remember some of things we said? (HAHAHAHAHA! O..mg, Sissa). " Well, if I were me..." (*Giggles out loud!).

There is a time in all our lives where things have fallen apart. A house we built falls on unstable rubble that becomes what we try to make solid foundation. We learn a lot, by ourselves. "They" come and go. Staying for a while, feeling the depth of pain and investment needed to put us upright..and leaving. You..were NEVER too heavy for me ;). It was at the time all was falling down, settling onto instability, you came in. Not walked, flew through the air and tackled me (remember? :)). Whereas energy becomes intimidating and others run in fear or just drop the connection, the fire inside us brazed our souls together..at such a time when we were both falling and fading out. And no one knew it but each other..and ourselves.

Sissa...you helped save this soul...how grateful can a man be? Only to see his children grow and fly eons away from where he began. That about covers the emotion (because I'm weeping at the thought...right now).

Sissa? I'm sorry I left your life for that terrible period of time. You know it wasn't me, but its no excuse. I broke my promise to you. I regret only 2 things in my life...that is one of them. I would have it all back and have left her, right then. However, there is purpose in the brokenness, right? ;)

Ok, now that you're ugly crying..here's some more :). Hehe!!

We've watched each other go through lover after lover, meeting nothing to avail but lessons learned and paths corrected. That night, Christmas evening, you told me of this Lover you had, of whom I never forgot...Thomas. At the mention, it didn't matter to me what happened, what he did wrong, I fell in Love with him. You remember, don't you :).
Casually coming up over the years, and my feeling never left. My opinion never left, " Sissa, you're supposed to be with that man. He's going to come back, but will you be ready? Will he? I don't know..but I do know this..he's your man, you're his girl."
NOW...not gonna say 'I told you so', we could do a lot of that with each other, huh? Heehee!!
What I saw was this: I came, helped hold up that house at the foundation. As with all work in all things, at the moment things got slightly weary and worrisome, some guy comes walking up. Having the same casual demeanor and chemical makeup as myself...as you. He walks right by, looks at me for a second. Smiles and says, " thanks, I got it from here, but hang out a bit." And with a slap on the shoulder, kiss on my cheek and sidewards grin, he pulls out a hammer..walks over to the pile of timber you had so specifically piled categorically- as if you'd forget how this house went back together, and pulled, piece by piece from the pile. As he touched each piece of lumber, it turned to gold.  I watched, mesmerized..
I held my corner until the weight shifted from my extended arms. He masterfully had rebuilt ALL the foundations without a single piece of lumber left in the pile (didn't he? :)). As if he knew the plan that was in your soul. I shrugged, walked out from under the house, still needing a little work, but standing. I stood next to him, admiring the work. I turned to him and said, " Good work, Brova."
He grinned," Thanks, my brotha. Btw, I'm not scared of you..my name is Thomas."
" I know...I've been waiting for you, and ONLY you. And you should know something.."
" Yea? Whats that?"
" I'll tell you the story on your wedding day. Cheers bra, go get her!"

And Sissa...Brova: Here's the story of the lasting rest:



(It's a blank page)


Sissa...we WERE that demon's master. With all that back and forth, we choked that demon out..together. We beat this thing that tried to kill us as beautiful souls. (*Touching your face, cupping your chin, kissing your cheek) And Sissa? You're beautiful...you've never been more beautiful :').

Thomas..there was never a need for making room for you in my heart. You ALWAYS existed there, from the moment I met your energy. Not only just there, but in the stateroom I placed your bride in. I have not felt her more happy since the day we shared space. And as I am hers, I am yours-

With many tears and depth of soul, heart and the Love that makes fear itself shake away into its own grief..I...am...yours, I SWEAR it.

To this day, August 1st, 2012, I pledge my life to defend you two. Sissa will have no other being, as Brova will have no other being. I have been to depths most think impossible for a human soul to endure. The same depths you two have reached and will dive to again. I am familiar with the territory. And wherever you go, I'll be there, with a copy of the map. You married my sister, you ARE my brother, for life..and that's SERIOUS with a triple scorpio ;).
One more thing on that...that also means when shes being a bitch? We can crack beers over the phone about it ;).

Alas, le fin-

You two are the most beautiful soul I have seen paired. Remember this day and all that encompasses it. Make your promises and make them come to pass. It has been my greatest pleasure to have a front row seat to this lifelong dance. I am romanced by your Love. I Love you two, forever and always.

NOW...go make like rabbits ya kiyads!! Heeeeeeeheee!!!

Letters From a Friend

So I was having a bad day a few days ago, I had to take some time to sit down and just think. Finding I had nothing to think about that was anything of value I went through my old notebook and a ton of letters fell out, some I never gave you. Here's a few and the thoughts that followed (spelling/grammar corrected):

4/20/83
" Dear Rayray, my brother wrote this for me. I'm sorry that I stole the last Lick-a-Stick from under your mattress then lied about where I got it when I got caught with it at my house. I DID NOT tell my mom that you told Brandon to make me clean your toilet with pee in it if I didn't eat it (I know that's what your sister told you). I told her that you'd never kiss me like grown-ups again and I got in SO much trouble. I know they called your house and talked to your mom, I'm sorry. It's my fault you're grounded and that you're mad at me. But I didn't say anything about stealing that pack of Mambas from Kmart. Don't stay mad at me forever, I miss my Rayray :(."

-Hehe, forgot about this one, you didn't say anything to me for like...2 weeks!! And OMG there was capital punishment for having candy that wasn't given to you, right?? To this day, I am firm on NEVER doin that to my guys...bet you're the same with yours.

7/14/88

" Hi, buddy girl! This is a thank you/I love you letter. I am like...SO happy that you didn't bail me when you kept getting prettier and more popular and I just got uglier and more strange in middle school this year. All our friends don't even talk to me anymore. I know its because I started getting zits and my parents can't buy clothes from any expensive stores. But you kept talking to me, even when that time Lisa and Candace were making fun of me and you came up and hugged me? That made me feel SO GOOD, you're a real friend Rayray!!
We'll its summer now! Yay!! Beach and stuff!! Going to be SO fun. And its ok if you don't invite me to stuff. I'll always see you around the block and I know we'll still hang out and do stuff like the movies, Tar hands and Tar Pits, remember that?? Haha! Our parents used to get SO MAD!! I think the Indian clay creek is still full of clay, we could make pots and stuff again! My Voltron robot is still stuck in there somewhere. Whenever though :). OH!!! And remember the crawdads?? Like that time we caught a million of them and put them in my moms tamale pot and she made me work in the weird Chinese ladys yard until I could buy her a new one? Haha!! Anyways, we were weird kids, I know you're still like that. Good thing some people never change, Ray :) Anyways, this is getting long and I'm getting like..Popeye arms writing this, but its for YOU so I don't care! :) Ha!
I never talked to you about Duncan..really? Duncan? He's nice and stuff but...ah, nevermind. I'll tell you later. But I DID see you guys kissing in the field behind the baseball field and he was grabbing your butt! (Not telling your mom, but ew). Maybe at Sega night. OH! Danny got a Genesis for his birthday!! Maybe we should go there? You can tell me later, I'll bring the Crunch Tators, BBQ flavor like you like. AND friends beer.
So I gotta get my homework done so, see ya!!"

-Haha! IBC Root Beer, I wonder if that's still around? And, um..I was JEALOUS of Duncan..you never knew, I never told you ;). Remember we totally were going to cook those crayfish but left them beside my house? Only reason my mom found out was because the livingroom smelled like deadsies for a week..

6/12/92

" Rayray. So I'm half way done with high school. I can't BELIEVE its come this fast!! Wow, its like yesterday we were painting make up on my GI Joe figurines..CRAZY, right? Well, this letter has a purpose and I'm so shy but I need your help with something...and you're SO NOT ALLOWED TO LAUGH! K??? Ugh..I know you're going to and I won't make you promise, so here goes. Your sister? She's um..SUPER cute! And I know she's been hanging around what's his name for a week now but are they going together? I kind of have a crush on her. Ugh, I know you're laughing at me, but for REALZ!!! I want to ask her to go with me but I'm so shy. Will you ask her? You can tell me this weekend when we go see Batman Returns, yay!!! Been waiting SO long for that movie. Have I ever told you how cool you are? I know I dont say it enough, sowy...
And Matthew? AKA: Mr. Mehrtens. You should TOTALLY take creative writing next year, its the coolest class. We get to call him by his first name, I'm sure you've heard. And guess what? That poem I wrote called Fagots? He..LOVED it. He had me read it in front of the class!!! Your favorite part:
" Come on baby, light me up.
Take me in. Taste me.
Suck my shaft down hard and watch my tip light up red. Ahhh, feels so good. A chemical dose of legal high I'll bring you.
Wrap your lips around the tip and pull. You know you like it.
Fondle me with your fingers until my long white shaft is spent and my essence is inside you.
Feel me, baby.
Finish me off.
Pull me out of your sultry wet mouth.
Drop me and step on me.
And we start again, My twin's your addiction."
No one knew it was about smoking..dumbasses, ha!!
Anyways, babe, I love you and can't wait for our buddies date!! And did you hear Steve wants to throw me a birthday party this year? Oh God Im scared. Remember what he did to my house last time? I was grounded for a year. Too..much..vodka...
Ok, going now. Remember about your sister!! (Please?) Maybe you can invite her this weekend? I've totally been the third wheel for you so YOU OWE ME!! Haha! Muah! You're special to me Rayray!! Talk soon! Stussy!!"

-Wow, this was so random. That's really all I have to say about that, haha!! Well, maybe not. But I must say, you've definitely grown on me. There's SO many more! But I'll stop and share them later :). This was fun..really fun..I feel SO much better!

-PK-

Mr. Perfect...where are you hiding?

I'm in a trance, weeping, gently. Let me explain:

This path is so painted with the colors not even represented in any color wheel made by man or angel. Not even could they be mixed into our reality by them. We pass them everyday, often looking into them for ourselves. Or maybe what we can take to fill the empty corners in our blessed lives. Make no mistake, we are ALL- blessed. And they are all so beautiful. At times just like these, they pass through my mind, each getting noticed in detail. The tears fall because of a disbelief that they have crossed such a path as mine, and they bless me.

But also, because I have no words to describe the color..and it floors me and emotion takes over. I haven't even the ability to explain what I see, nor anything to liken it to so I can share the experience with you (reading). It's something you must discover yourself.

Brandon says, " It's time..." Is it? We all have pain, shared and not shared. And the cries from within form themselves into one long and unaffected 'hallelujah'. That echoes out onto the plain fields of day to day life. We all wait for the echo to come back to us. Making investments in things that in the back of our minds have no return value. Nothing equals 'black' in the rule of 72 with them. And this for a reason, so the strength we pull from not being heard gets us through the next cry alone.

It's a human thing...

But, what are we honestly waiting for? If we can't see the beauty in ourselves and our painful experiences, is that not being just as ignorant as those that look into us to complete themselves? I could be wrong, but maybe, just maybe, we change the view and see that another's secure retirement lies in us. Maybe we are the answer to that question. And in reality, it's not what we do that can be enough for someone else, but what we are...those colors that cannot be described in any tongue. And from one to one, ALL of them are different. So do not believe for a second that yours 'doesn't matter'.

Somewhere in the world, there are clouds dissipating. The sun is shining through on a broken heart. And what was planted in that heart is beginning to grow. And the fruit from that tree is a nurturing and healing thing. A life that was lost is taking hold of what brought it's death, and conquering it.

I've only seen her on a page. Pleasant photos revealing the good times. And what I feel is what is never represented in any photo. The true beauty that just brings a lasting peace. Your life is worth more than you know. And we all meet for reasons, not much happens on accident in this life to one that has their eyes open. Maybe in this instance, it was to bring a powerfully simple reminder of that truth. I see it, do you?

To us all, and to her, its not a Lover that needs be searched for. :) But Love itself. To each, may it mean what it needs to. You ARE deeply Loved. May every aspect of your colors, shine on- :)