If dreams ever came true...

There was a moon tonight, much like we've seen many times. And I thought, as it is I'm becoming... Like a tuning fork grows stronger, then dims after a time... Is she watching? 

And what memories might occur in the safety of her mind as she's alone seeing the very same moon I'm staring at...? 

And I prayed... I prayed that you'd be ok. I prayed that love and peace would pervade that part of your soul, seeing so many moons with me. And how beautiful those times really were... And I prayed that these memories would no longer bring harm or be poisoned by grief. But that they would set you free... Free to love again and believe. Free to know those feelings and those moments shared that you had love to give, and that you would love again, and greater so. 

We are all loves gift to this world. I intend to foster that in everyone I meet for the rest of my life, as I did before we ever met. I should have focused on these qualities more before I met you... I would have remained kind in the chaos that ensued... Might have loved you better, it wouldn't matter at that point if you did as well. And none of that matters... You... Me... The moon (blue as it was)... All that matters now is the love we give in the costly parts of our lives. And I bid you the very best of journeys... Maybe our paths will cross again. I'm certain we'll be very different (or maybe similar) than we are now, if destiny or God chooses. 

You be well, Sweet Soul. :)

PS: ... Miss watching craft movies with you... 

That Thang in 2018

 I wasn't all about it...not really. But we do have desires, created for the pro. That part was only 10% unsatisfying. (Go ahead...curse me out into your pillow...although it's a crazy compliment coming from a man like me, haha).

Why was I there that night? I want to word this differently but there are so many versions of me and only 2 of you as one with knowledge like mine might see. Maybe all of mine are shallow and your 2 lack a shallow end, idk...you did denote you were down for whatever. I think you were curious enough to "venture out" (as you stated I did, not saying that wasn't true, just, well...timing sucks and I couldn't say no to a beautiful woman; sub parenthesis: *beautiful...I've confused myself before but see clearly every time before I break a heart; 2nd sub parenthesis; you have no ass...perfect to other men in the chest, but never has that held me back from diving into a soul, and *yours*? I think i could swim in for a lifetime, if only for...) but your "venture" was for just that..curiousity. Mine was much different...*much, MUCH* different. Part of it was that I needed to see if I could love after all this...shit. And it appears only I control that.

I'm not going to respond to the passive aggression (yes...you're passive aggressive, which is annoying but only slightly as I have made my synopsis akin to..how do humans say it? Cute?) as I know there are things about your information and outbursts and impatience you left incomplete like a girl playing jacks with the biggest boy on the block with no moves of your own. I'd say secrecy is a good bet when it comes to me. It's the only thing that confuses the empath screaming in my ear the truth of a situation. With time I've learned to not insist on that voice in my heart while I know the soul i built ebbs away for the same ignorance.

That night...seedy green...un-weeded pockets of lawns wearing signs of life for desperation's sake to beg a traveler to come nigh and abide a night or two...smoky room although we said non-smoking. ...,...,...that was *NOT* what I planned. Brandon Boyd begs you're an Anna Molly (listen to the song, Babe). It was a weekend to try and garner the wisdom I needed of more ancient things than what I "know". I was still in love with her....,....,...and I should have told you. I didn't want to take the risk of losing you, my bad that I couldn't trust you with the information. You wont ever make sense with knowledge of both sides of the beautiful mess of this and will spell everything out here to be your own comfortable reasoning to cut this off, you having no blame at all...much like a man to a whore (but *all* women do this, just cant be wrong, which at this stage is also "cute"). And I've been a man-whore (NOT to you) so I get the entitlement. You'll tell yourself things to make your mind and heart at ease so you'll be able to move on. And I'll watch as you do, making happy mentions of your newfound love. Maybe it will end the same but for different reasons..who knows these things? But that gross hotel was not the plan. You interfered, you *had* to be there for the show. I cancelled the show to be with you..switching into a former version of myself I buried long ago.  I'll be honest, it was hard to take you seriously after that, which I'm certain the feeling is mutual...we all want things to be perfect and make sense. Had I had my show, maybe I would have learned from the rocks and trees and dirt what I am capable of and why...and I will again, but will we make it that far? God, I hope so.

That night...was NOT...how I planned things to go...with *you*.

Coincidental note: That Wal-Mart trip was better than most the women I've been with. I know that doesn't give you any relief for pride-sake, but it means something in my world. Last time I had that much fun was playing hide n' go seek with the soulmate that beat the shit out of me (again...not much for you that precipitates flight ability from happy thoughts for you but I fly *high* on that shit).

I *did* step out...I took a chance..with the perfect person..for *both* outcomes. And did nothing to manipulate the situation other than not risk hurt...which is everything.

For that, my green-eye'd anomaly, I am guilty of all sins. I could only be resolved by you at this point which I'm certain you would offer forgiveness for said crime. However I know I would never have the *real* you...the one that has made sense of what little magic I've spelled for you is really nothing but parlor tricks on Main or The Boulevard. I wont tell you there's more because that would make you curious..and your daughter is too inexperienced to advise you against taking another risk (FUUUUCK..JUSSAYIN...SHE WOULD *LOVE* ME, and I her)...I look too familiar to men that hurt other women in the same way (GOD I only wish you would live life a bit more in the mother position! But that might be my misunderstanding as well...again, who knows?).

I *don't* accept a finality. Nor do I truly wish you off to a better life for the best you could have is with me. But how does one(I) ask someone(you) they are potentially in love with (I to you), despite the apparently immature bullshit they (you, both sentiments) are throwing around without a mutual conversation, to just...*please wait*...to wait. i started things at the wrong time with you but i had to see what my heart was capable of. AND DAMNIT!! i *want* to love you....i honestly believe that i do. But i need time to wrestle my heart over the lies i've told myself about Pamela (yeah...no more indirect words). The mysteries unsolved..the questions she now will never answer...I need them to be laid to rest without the satiation of an answer (which i *SO* need but have the will to decide they aren't worth it). But im not there yet...and i could never ask your innocent soul to be my safety net. 

This is not an argument, of which i've enjoyed ours. This is not a "reply" or a rebuttal as i'm not arguing against any of the several (*damn* the way your mind works is...intrinsic, but younger; sub parenthesis; naive would be too far, it's somewhere in between, i'll leave that there) points of view in your final letter.

There's so much more to be said here but damnit....be released...not saying i wont  knock on your door down the road. This story has just begun for me and you are not just any woman...to me. i should stop moving my fingers...and i'll probably never post this, nonetheless it belongs here...in the virtual world, forever...

Remember...

Taking time, for a few minutes...i want to savor something.

It might be years in the future..or tonight...we might just get bored. Like a lull between two massive ocean waves.
I've been in those type of storms. They take the sun and sky from you all at once. They take you from the highest you've been and plummet you to the deepest you'll be, for that storm...and funny thing is, you *never* move an inch forward or backward.
You just wait.
All portholes closed.
All doors latched.
All sails tied.
Keel drawn.
All rigging secured.
Many call it "being at the mercy of the storm.

I call it waiting.

There's nothing you can do about it, but wait. You've already decided to be out there..looking at the sky and weighing the possibilities that weather may change. One could say that's commitment.

Waiting.

And the most Lovely thing about it: We'll be together.
Having weighed well the commitment to be on this ocean. Knowing there *WILL* be storms. There will be times when we can do nothing else but let it take us.

In those moments, we'll be together. Waiting for the seas to right themselves.
Because after all, we are not masters of the oceans or their tides and ways. We are only masters of ourselves.
But...we can harness it...we can manipulate it...we can make it work for us.

Remember this.
Remember the highs.
*Remember* the lows.
And remember...to just wait...
And don't worry, you're boy's a fuckin sailor. ;)

The Cure...

There is only one common enemy of man. Only one disease. We seek out the stimulus we need to cure it by many forms. Thus resulting in artificial addictions to foreign substances to an obscene amount. Doctors, healers, homeopathic experts and drug dealers of every sort provide substances that temporarily hold off the symptoms of the most lethal pandemic...the disease of pain.

There are so many things we give ourselves over to. So many abuses we allow our bodies to endure that mask and temporarily set apart the effects of this disease, which none are immune to. The cure..is found in our blood..our life.. None of us need these substances. No one needs the chemical and earth-borne products we take. Our bodies tell us the story, building immunities and tolerances so that we need more and more. But the *cure*...is in our blood...selfless Love. Costly Love. It is the cure all.

My friend in his righteous ways has a street doctor practice. It's formed and practiced in Love. But it (the cure) is not the substances he provides. It's not in the energy he invests in making certain his "patients" are taken care of. It's in the intention behind the products and the services he provides. These are only meant to provide the atmosphere and opportunity for what is inside each one of us to bring about the cure..so the substance is needed no more.
We get addicted to the feeling of "being ok". These temporary medications that give us the euphoria of "being ok" and being at peace are not the end nor the source of our healing. Only portals by which to access the cure.

The cure is in our blood...by the way of pain. Sacrificial Love. It costs, but cures all. We must fight to bring the cure to the surface and tear away the importance of what makes us "feel good", and replace it with Love for each other. This is the only way we will, as a human race, be cured...from all things.
(expound or simplify pk)

Satan's Bane

When angels cut their wings, do we question it? Some mystery inside the pain. When they fall to earth with no common reason related to Lucifer, what then?

They seek the low places, conceal their true identity and stay in squaller. Dark? Yes, but wait..open your mind..you might be one.
They are the ones we are constantly trying to prove to themselves they have worth. But they are never convinced.

They live on their own weakness. Like a heroin or chemical imbalance that brings a physical likening to 'good energy', the most amiable of their human traits. They bleed true, live human lives and suffer, but none as much as they.



They take a deeper path. Maybe lead by divine design, some natural thing, instinct outside of historical (and even secular) knowledge. They find the lowest of places. They are drawn to them. They are drawn to 'them', as those that walk those paths are also mutually drawn (and we wonder why at our darkest times that they are there, right with us..it's a 'sight' thing), why?

Because their taste lingers in their mouths, heartache fills their taste buds. Not in a way of satiating, but intrinsically familiar. The shunned human emotions, things we don't allow ourselves to feel, because it hurts. I think they would ask us,  "Why always feel the elation of life? It's nothing more than an elevated space. Like a balloon full of hot air- no mass- no core- no substance- nothing 'real'."

 So..they become 'healers'. Beings that are structured internally to house pain not their own. Again, why?
Because they choose to. Because it completes them..is that such a bad thing? I was

told when I was young the only thing that matters is righteousness. And while these angels have fallen...they chose to fall. Not for pride, not for jealousy or rebellion..but only that they couldn't wait idly by any longer while watching humans suffer so greatly. Whether due to their own devices matters not. Their only knowledge of Love is what they've seen their entire existence. A perfect Love.


I recently met a girl running from her pain, very well masked. She refuses to see that facing it helps more than hurts, being only focused on the physical value assigned to it by her mind. Not understanding the working goes deeper, adding skeletal structure and stability to a soul. Depth in the most valuable fashion. She knows i can see it, but stays closed. Knowing deep that I threaten her.

As a Lover? I could destroy her. But as a friend? She...and i, would grow and learn and heal. And we all want the two in one. It's true that i want the two in one.

I wonder if she'll be infected? Or myself...will I lay myself in that emotional hospital bed, waking and sleeping with her, nurturing the wounds not yet inflicted by me. Helping that core in her to shine brighter than the other things meant to drown her light. I haven't felt this warm in...

Maybe angels need human touch...or maybe they lead such lonely and bruised existences because they fail to allow themselves the path they never had the chance to choose. They don't know how to fall in Love. I think she's learned more about that than i...and any fallen angel can only take so much before they succumb to humanity. Maybe she's my angel..and I'm too caught up in saving my world that my own peril is eminent...and she's simply trying to save me..with the perspective and innocence of a child.

Just Letters...

 

Baby!!! Im so sorry i had to book like crazies!! I was so late :/. I wish we could just be off today and just chill an stuff together...like these kids, (haha, riiight???)

 

I Love you so much!!! Im falling more and more and its a good kind of scary because i can trust you...i DO trust you...you are more than enough for me and i need you to know...NEED you to know...there's no one else, not now and not ever. I've found all I've ever wanted..and it all matches what my expectations have painted with idealistic colors in my crazed mind.

 

 

...its you...its you..its you...

You are amazing..you are MY amazing woman...you are mine, you belong with me and to me. I have, i am and i will always fight for you, my dragon Queen
...and there are many magical things to come...many, many...really, really...

Reasons

(press play, read slow)

So...nouns.
Words that represent something that exists. A name of a person. A place. An inanimate object humans make animate by manipulation. It's a funny word that just sounds like pointlessness..or disbelief. Things that are less and less on my mind since i was alive.
So.."they" are assigned value by titles that gained their own grouped definition...'nouns'. I think this designates importance. Whether personal, social or plainly scientific, (meaning factual), i think when a 'noun' is assigned, it gives something importance..like its supposed to be remembered.

And social studies classes give us so many nouns to know about. If one was to open a book, what's there but a story of nouns about nouns. There are even words that have been subjugated to the existence of nouns to dress them up nice. But i digress and come to my question as of late, (late being what's been on my mind since the last tragedy in my life): What is the greater portion? Having a perfect 'noun' or building the perfect 'noun'? (press play again)

There are two sides to each of these, and all that standing on the plank that stretches between the left brain and right brain of any noundividual. Which makes the certainty of an explanation like slack lining over a black hole, the cosmic type. But i'll start here, just for myself. Please keep in mind, reader (haha, "mind-reader"), that this is in non-philosophical form..take the nouns for what they are:

The positives of having a perfect noun: Little/no labor to be done...that's pretty much it for positives. It is either just perfect or noun'else put in the work to make it perfect.
Negatives: Little to no true value per reasoning of the positive. There are psychology references of human behavior that denote simply what we work for we enjoy more. Is this true? I'm looking at myself now:
I have several..SEVERAL successfully completed projects...material nouns in my repertoires that were deemed by other nouns to be either above my skill or impossible. Again, these are successes. And each one in my own way i have celebrated alone. I agree with psychology here..it's a good feeling to look back and see what these hands have made. Some nouns are still being built. (Note to the side: I keep checking my texts to see if she has messaged me).

The positives of building the perfect noun: One gets to know the structure (as one is a part of it); one can add their own character backslash flare; one can grow; one can watch growth; one is free to design as they wish; etc., etc.
Negatives: Much labor is required in most circumstances; often times the true cost is deluded by the hearts desire to create the noun as it is perceived in the mind; nothing in the build is for certain, only the price paid emotionally, physically and fiscally. If i missed any other negatives, you other nouns please shout them out.

There is no point, as in i'm not trying to make one. There are only reasons to go on, or move on...noun from noun, as sometimes there are no adjectives that can color our nouns the color desired. But if a noun is a noun..and we have the will (collective noun for heart/mind/soul) and adjectives to paint...why not build the noun how it desires rather than how we desire? Sometimes subtracting and/or adding noun from noun. All that is required are verbs. Which if looked at from a far, noun could see that all that lies beneath any well built noun are notable verbs. The adjectives being only flags flying in the wind, attached to the noun by yet more verbs.

(So i sit, in my office, this December morning..never pretending to not need help. And i ask where this noun is heuristically...that is an emotionally charged question to ponder..because i MUST know. I must know what new verbs to place under this noun..or the adjectives to use to lay the noun to rest).
Now for the allegory above..a noun for the ponderance: (only if you like, many nouns have not and will not get this far)

I right here.

I write this here because I know no one is listening in this space.
I write here because I can sound off as loud and as hard as I desire to no peanut gallery.
I write here because the fight to keep this personification overwhelms me at times, but not all together.
I write here because the things that look to others as weakness are truly the greatest strengths and I only desire their ears and maybe tears..not wisdom and words.
I write here to keep my friends from being burdened.
I write here because I have yet to encounter someone as compassionate as myself.
I write here because I hear me, and I'm a damn good listener.

My friends come to me in need, and in want. I have chosen this path but it will claim my life before I've seen grandchildren. I live my life in imbalance because to be balanced would be selling the world short of whatever is inside me to give. That is the only reason why I'm here. But human hearts are not built to last long in that reasoning. One man proved that.

My ex-wife has no desire to do me any good. Yet she makes great practice out of insuring everything that goes wrong between us is due to my short-comings. She's really fantastic at it. She refuses to allow my young gentlemen to have more time with their father as they have requested many times over, for what reason? She is in control. She is the boss and I refuse to allow the courts to intervene and do anything. In the back of my mind, I know she'll get her way. She always has..I just want them happy.

I have friends that live on the streets of San Diego. One young man pulled me aside last weekend and made a big deal about it. He asked if I funded the things I do out there by myself..if I was out there just to try and make things better. I replied in truth...yes, I am. he says he wants to be like me. Having not a father of his own, or an older brother, he wants to be like me. He hung out with me the entire evening...why? I cannot venture a clue, but he wants to...how am I supposed to take that? I'm simply living my life, anyone reading this would never understand the subtext of that statement..because we don't Love in this way. I will adopt him, him and I will have many adventures to come.

I have the idea that my family looks down on me for the wrong I've done in the past. The lone wolf mentality that I have lived my entire life...did I learn it from somewhere? Who should know...not me. But when they need, I do all I can to arrive in those moments. Sometimes in mystery.

I was raised in a church that because of my actions during a period of time in my life where I made not very great decisions, I am an outcast. I have no credibility with them. I have stuck out my neck for congregants in the past that have done similar actions...adultery, way before I became one. Knowing their pain they face day after day is a perpetual death sentence that never runs dry of masochism. So why not sound off here? I listen to me.

In this abandoned circus of freak shows past and recurring, I listen here. I need to hear me for what are these problems (even to my own standard) compared to what is in the world? Day by day? And as I write these silly complaints, they already are leaving my waking mind. Just wadding. At least now, I can see better..although, not with my eyes.

Breath #2

They're all I have...

A wisp of grin, a series of mouth palps..clearing his tongue in his sleep. Chewing on gum in a dream, making conversation with the Angels as he sleeps...I wonder what they're talking about?

I'm an engineer by trades and school. I look around and notice the angles and symmetry of my surroundings. Trapezoids, triangles, ellipses, radii and diameters. I see the imperfections, the design flaws in what men of stature send me to look over and give opinions to, to design a better product for a better world, many of a time...

I haven't counted how many times I've watched them as they sleep, the only time I get to touch them without a reaction.

I have yet to find something out of place...and it's what I do. I make $XXXXXX doing this for companies, local and abroad...I can't find...ONE.

And it's one first I've had where I have no questions.

In my mind, I go on for miles and miles. Perpetually expressing the Love, the purity and intent..I want to be good, kind of need to be...

You save me everyday...every day.

Neurotic

There’s more!!!

-Haven’t yet discussed the open-ended, perpetually, non-terminal relationships you keep, pk…W…T…F, bra???

(What comes next is a conversation with myself. I wouldn’t disclaim this, but I’m trying consideration). To self:  “ Convo with self…? You’re so fucking neurotic, you silly cynic..a convo it is, then:”.

Yes, bra..they’re very open-ended. I like to keep company that I cant keep, HAHAHA!!

So lets dive deep into the narcissistic value here...a question..who can handle you? In your opinion..?

No one.

Why’s that?

I haven’t a clue, just like the way it sounds. Makes it seem like I have massive walls to overcome.

Did you scare her?

Which one?

Dude, really? (hahaha!)

Yes pk, fucking really! No joke, I haven’t a clue whom you’re talking about…notice the grammar. It’s amazing, jussayin.

Not there..you ALWAYS spell that wrong…

It’s on purpose, son of a bitch. But wait, what??

“ Live unbruised, we are friends….I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

What’s that??

Don’t sigh..you know she defined that.

Yeah, but does she know you, though?

Yeah..she TOTALLY does…

One foot in the sea, one in the sand/fire.

Hey!! Finish that text! You could totally get us laid tonight. You know I’m not as smooth when I’m like this..

Well then maybe you should be doing this…? Ya think?? Ah, never mind, she already responded…thought for sure she’d be passed out by now.

Holy shit!! That’s silly…did you say please?

Nah, wait…yesidid, wait…no, I didn’t. Kind of put it in a way that made me sound like a douche…I’m impressed…

Good to know, Mister…good to know… So what’s going on tonight??

Nothing, if there was a goal, one of us blew it.

So, gonna get ourselves then?

…of course…

(Third pk): Pks, you two are going to need more wine.

True!!

True!! Aight then, after I get more pasta…

What? The? Fuck are you talking about?? You were NOT..eating PASTA!?!?

Wait, wasn’t this a reflection night?

Yes!! It fucking was!!!

Dude, your handwriting sucks ass…jussayin.

FYI, stupid ass..it’s “just saying”, you’re SPELLING sucks ass!!!

Afookayew…

You first.

I will! Just…hide your eyes.

K..wait..(HAHA!)

Dude, you hilarious to youself..

Yeah..I crack me up…

Aaaaaand on that note…

Yep! Finish your beer silly…dude… ;)

OMGGGGG, gotta get home…

Ah, this is gonna suck…forgot where the car is.

Ah shiat…mothafucka, you better remember…

Pk.

What?

Your mind is pretty strong. I don’t mind saying.

Now THAT’S comedy, bra..I mean not laughing…? But I TOTALLY smell pasta…totally…really, really… Let’s find the car!!!

Oh, Gawd yes…lets…

Fingers On A Page

3/26/13

Fingers on a page…is there an investment in energy that can be stored in paper? Or is it just another facet of ‘the Matrix’? As in what it is that we assign value to gets it (our energy). Of course that’s true (idiota..). Just sitting here sippin’ beer…fuckin lush.

-But really? I just wrote something, a massive something…that I would assign all that I have left to that isn’t assigned already to permanence. All romantic connections would come to a quick halt…as reigns jerk Clydesdale's, sheer power yielding to the yoke of ‘being broken’. It’s not all I was created with…maybe all that shit is just distraction?? IDK, IDC…not enough, anyway. I assigned the emotion, I invested energy. I brought that paper to life…wait…

Recalling the last I felt such electricity, such life…I can’t remember except for being heartbroken at certain moments. So the value maybe comes from the other side. Might I be being thought of? I do wonder what she dreams about…if she sees me…if she’ll know me. I disavow the altruism in my soul for a touch…just one..fucking..touch.

                Or not, because such a touch could steal my soul.  But, alas, don’t  be a fool, she could have it. Of all of those you’ve Loved, she would deserve it.  (As I feel the intense desire in me to bloody my fists). Calm, pk..calma te…tranquilo, papi. ..

Electricity on a page, its alive, it DOES exist. This Love thing. Yep…just checked. It’s not in my writing or eloquence of skill that’s kinetic. It’s the “assignment”, you’re vested, and vested things grow in value.

Is it time to go home yet?  Too many things to try and capture…and your handwriting is unbearable, right now. Like wet sand in a pillow ;). (Mental note, good memory..that was fucking hilarious). I should go see what the roomies are up to…and my late night visitor.

Uganda Man

Remember and believe what you are seeing...it's True Love. It's what it looks like- brokenness is for others, as in it's meant for others worth, and not for you.
- This man has seen what has made him believe. he speaks in absolutes, as in there is NO..other..way. Not even a half way, or a fraction given. 'Maybe' doesn't exist in his world.

- All and over again do these days just keep falling. Like peanut butter flung on a wall in a sweltering house. I feel today it's a question of humanity relating itself for we are so, so distant when it comes to housing the soul of another. All of us looking for what every last one of us is looking for, but no one looking to fulfill it in another. Do we, or no? Because in small patterns *slash steps I'm sure we do. So how many times do we sit and answer that question? Not only that, (and in furthering the growth of our own soul) seek to put physical action to the cute sentiment...intended emoticons. At the end of that thought and at the end of our lives, how many of those experiences could we count? A blessed society we could...COULD be, if those outnumbered the years of our very lives.

Two souls sit in a rust-stained room. Calling on the memories to reanimate the feelings that they both were so certain existed. The current and recent actions proving the outcome. Recently even soiling the clothing they still wear after a physical expression of passion. And maybe coming to another epiphany that all others with wisdom and reason determine is wrong...the essence of true belief. (Uganda Man, a super hero in my mind). Though some things just don't make sense and the Love between them only star-crossed because the point of view was skewed. Maybe in this epiphany, they can both reason that enough time can pass that the stars can truly cross, if they can wait...just wait.
But in a another glance- they've been here. And if reason plays a supporting role, then all the belief in the world only accelerates a backward progression. Wearing the same clothes that forensics can prove a soiling over the same arguments and same pain. Old Loves...new connections. Undying metaphysical bonds and cortical soul-ties.

" Just realize what didn't work before, why it didn't work, not 'THAT' it didn't. Fix the 'why' and try again."

More than belief is faith (think about it). Which I have for you both. and I do give my last vial of that substance to you and her. For more than a heaven's sake, drink it, it's worth something.
I used to believe in singularity, but now I believe for you both. Dare to do what hasn't been done yet.

Make it because you...choose to.

It's amazing, when we switch from our need to have to our need to give, what miracles can materialize from humanity. Leaving the true magic to God. In the end, in all forms of religion and agnosticism, it's not about who Loved you, it's about the Love you gave. In that, all of us are created equal. And no one will ever be greater than the other.

Letters to me 1/30/13

You question yourself, a hard question...one of the toughest in your soul: " Why don't you rebel?"
In other words- " What's the hold up, pk? Get in your mind, go further...get in your soul and truly live before your passion burns you up from the inside out. Such a quiet and quick death...RE-BEL...it can't go down this way."

This word rings so loud in me- just to scream a perspective in my ear-

We're all here to do what we're all here to do. Nothing changes that, no one steals that...only you cheat yourself. Even you haven't experienced that much freedom, as unlocked as your mind is. A careless levity that damages nothing but effects everything! It makes it all 'clean'- easy. It influences the darkest and most stubborn soul's depth.

- Why are you fucking around?? You whore yourself like a sport to be good at. You bath yourself in the validation of those that don't know your Dad and take it as a sign that you're 'well'. GET OUT!

Answer: " Knowing your condition- is the reason you must die!!!"

You're beginning to see the box you're in, soul-chained. Imprisoned heart, keeping yourself amongst the dead. You have made your reality that you're the minority with a majority of expectation. You're a slave to it.

- Ask yourself, pk...can you live uncompromisable? Would you have the balls to walk and live and grow in an environment you don't control? Not in this world where you've taught yourself you're 'ok'?
- You know the only way out is through confrontation- an argument with yourself where the minority in you wins. Don't run from it..it's supposed to hurt. (Don't you remember? How good that brokenness felt? Your heart has endured so much...pain. This age and every ages way, YOUR way, nothing higher...don't fool yourself. DON'T...fool...yourself! It's not an honorable path in the end.

There was a quickening. A spiritual flick on the ear, speaking and reminding you of what you've forgotten. Nullified by physical pleasures you inflict on your pitied soul (her words, true?- " Oh, wretched man I am...whom will deliver me?")

Conclusion: It's a simple thing. The things I've said, adding to my blindness: " Why did I say that? Why...did I SAY that? Blindness, pure blindness." Old excerpt: Don't seek to find the problems in the church or any 'body'. Seek the shit in yourself and become the solution...you are already. And you're your own mad scientist. Experimenting on your own soul in morbid and masochistic practice.
So- perform your labs, do your work. Figure shit out, then deal with it and live- you should read this as often as possible.

Love,
-pk

Again, Thinking Outloud

feeling your eyes on my page, not sure of the process.
Maybe a cordial thought is in my mind of you..maybe its phallic as well...cordially phallic. What an interesting sentiment. But for now, it's just my thoughts.

i feel sometimes that my focus is a bit misconstrued. Thinking my audience is a bit more specific, but that's not the case. I Love to live in the realm of possibility, as if things will present themselves in the time, and again, I'm SO patient..to a fault.

speaking of faults and recalling the mistakes we've made as a nation (not to complain being in the 'land of the free'), all political. Maybe I've been too political, or critical. The propensity is like plastic lyrical cylindrical miracles spun in disregard for the physical of mathematical calculation. Eluding to the mystical value of a soul thinking itself higher than its theoretical Maker, so...disproportional to an intended thought of the individual explaining the patterns of thought inside of THIS Scorpio's head. And I often wonder why I am so misunderstood by so many...but I know me..I know ME.

in conclusion, which is no end at all, this is a simple conversation from head to heart, trying to decipher the lines in between the rampaged emotion.

Nonetheless..need to get out, it's mad hat night with two fine young gents whom always, ALWAYS have my mind in mind, trying to be me. No matter how much I tell them to be any other man. Time to get to Fashion Valley, because we have fashion to attain for Mission Valley...because we're on a mission.

That will be all, you can go now. Good Night. :)

Candle...light...

burns bright in the west. Like a fire at its last breath, reaching further before it dies...

the color reaching emotions too high for human souls, more neurotic than alien species. An emotion that killed off civilizations.

the spark that fills the immediate atmosphere, with sprites that kindle north and south..a whole fucking world of dim light..where all looks a standard of beautiful in the collective. Both straight and bent souls can conceive.

makes Love to the entity's above, kissing pain. Falling deeper into the salty turbulence, abreast the beautiful and sad grit and mire.

bringing the desire to see her eyes once more. The floor in the mansion of a broken heart in Kerouac's cynical speech of life and honor.

its so cold...its so alone...

beckons the whole in me to fall again, over and over, til the rest is dust. Waiting for the rain to wash away the truth of me. To reveal to me the truth-

That I am...nothing.

its everything. Its everything. Forever and always~

The Things They'll Never See

So, our family huddles. We wait for the news that is inevitable. In this time, all we expect is pain.

But we are young..and strong. Weak is for the emotionless. We choose to feel all things.

She looks at him, in that moment. The soundtrack of her choice plays through her head, making a mainstay memory. This one is gonna hurt a while.
He reaches for her in the silence that is all he's capable of now. The words flow without a sound and effort to her soul, " It's ok...it's going to be ok...Love has you, my little darling."

She weeps.

She feels her heart just cannot bear another heartache. She asks herself, inquisitive and pendantic what went wrong. If there was some evil that is lending itself to help the karma of the moment overtake her well-earned, goodness of a soul.

It's nothing.
Truly nothing, Love.

Life is as we make it. We get thrown pieces we are expected to make sense of. Placing them on top of the deep piles of unused portions of our lives that we just, don't, want, to see, any longer. And it's ok, Love..it really is.

Your mind is akin to those that see those pieces of dark color and saddening sediment for what they are. And after the moment of surprise is gone...you giggle. Not a full blown laughter, and nowhere near a cynical reaction, but a reality re courses its path through your soul and it tickles you.

You wont be bought.

You wont be subtle.

You wont be sold.

You wont be disabled.

You wont be crushed...

You, wont, be..destroyed.

Because you've seen it before. The pieces that come as a part of this life.
And you remember assembling them to a point.
But you remember, as you stood back, you saw it only pieced together an ugly mosaic of control. A stained tapestry of moments life told you to quit.
And you remember, it nearly had you convinced. But then you quoted the above, all on your own. In the silent places no one has ever seen, or heard of..not even those closest to the deepest part of your selfless Love. The places where your powers are only limited by what you believe. The things they'll never see...the strength they'll never see.

Because it lies underneath your tears. They see that as weakness. And 'the powers that be' throw you more and more to get you to break. But they don't realize

...you cannot break what is unbreakable...

...and its unbreakable...because its broken...

You are, and it's beautiful...it's the only way the true light in the dark can overcome all things.

It's the only state where we are truly strong.

So gather your sticks, make a fire..stay a while. The breath you breathe is fresh and new. And while you sleep here, you affect them. Do you know? I believe you do..and so do 'they'. The rest of your world. You save them everyday by it, your brokenness.

Shine on, my sweet friend. Your light has even touched my soul.

Shine on. :)

...beautiful.

My thoughts today are completely wrapped around a (K)inetic touch. Absorbed in a pha(L)lic delivery, making you feel everything I touch, pretending its your skin.

(adding to this thought, in a non-ending future).

l )&&" "( Kf

Sex (part 1)

" So," he says, walking firmly on the birm above the breaker wall, " Blondes, brunettes, gingers? What, bro? Is there honestly a preference that a young guy looks for? Really? Like hair color is going to be a pre-requirement?"

" No, bra," honestly shaking my head to the ground, " Besides, we're speaking, ummm, I don't know..metaphorically? Hypothetically? What? And how old is this guy?"

" Twenty-three, bro."

" Hehe, seriously? That guy isn't old enough to even determine he's a mama's boy yet. Does he live at home, still?"

" Yep. And not in a 'had to move back in' sense. He just hasn't left yet."

" Wow, bra- Ok, so we're talking, what? This guy just started dating? Or is he some type of newbie pimp? We took him out ONCE! Ha!"

" Dude, you remember though, when everything was about that, right? Like, girls were just things you put in your pocket for later. The ones you knew you'd lose or the ones that were just too hot..? Shirt pocket, right? Haha!!"

" Haha!! Bradda...you know I missed that phase."

" No. You started early and were done by the time the rest of us came around to seeing girls as 'kissable'."

" Yea, yea...I don't know, bro. So, wait, what's his name again? The kid?"

" It's Alex, he calls himself 'Alpha'..."

"ALpha!! Alpha??? Did he name himself that at the bar the other night?"

" He DID, bro."

" Wow- wow. Ok, so..Alex. And he's asking YOU about what you look for in a girl.  Hate to break it, but you've been circling the same 'woman' for how long now? This kid ain't ready to be serious. Dude...YOU are a closet relationship junky, bra."

" Haha! How so? And why do you have to call me out like that? Hehe..I KNOW what I'm doing, ok? Just something in her I can't let go."

" I know this, bro. You don't think I see it? And hey- if it's because of our little 'wingman for a few years' deal, I'm calling a break in treaty. Yes, the chick is crazy. Yes, she's done some weird stuff over the past few months. But the SECOND she told you that if you weren't going to get serious with her, or in your words: ' I don't see this going anywhere', you ass... She says shes lookin' at gettin' serious with this other guy, you're ALL over her again. Am I summing this up correctly?"

" Ugh, dude..its not.."

" F*ck yeah, it IS..like 'that'. Do you remember your thirteen steps, bra? What's the last one?"

Simultaneously, we yell, " DENIAL!!!"

Uproarious laughter, " Dude, you remembered that! Haha!! What was that like, 10 years ago?"

" Yea, back when we were playa's. HAHA! Ah, bro, should we revisit the other twelve?"

" Haha! Yep, ready? Ok, first 5, lie 'til you get in the door. Six through eight, bring the tears."

" Nine through eleven, gentlemen until the end."

" And twelve...ugh...twelve, hahaa..."

" Yea, dude...hehe..twelve was always fun."

" Not always fun..sucked waking up with your tighties stuck to you."

" Ah, SH*T, bra!! You HAD to go there, of course..you're the 'Big DC'."

" You're the 'big PK'."

" 'Mediocre Pk'. So anyways, this guy right? Are you pimp-training or something?" Laughter from Dc, I continue," Is there some school I need to be made aware of where you're teaching this stuff?"

" No, dude, haha! Like I said, he was asking about what I look for in a girl. The question to you was, why you never hit on anyone when we go out?"

" You seriously are the worst communicator I've EVER known, You're worse than the ex, you know that?"

" Dude, just answer the question."

" Aight, aight, ha. Well, its like this. I've always been a one woman man. You would know, seeing as you're the same way. We go out, talk a ton of hype, make nothin' of it, right? So here it is...ok, wait. I have to get this off my chest. Bro? Seriously? If its because of our 'deal' that you're holding this girl off? Then you need to re-evaluate the nature of your RELATIONSHIP. Yes, I said it."

" Pk, you don't even know what.."

" NOPE..no, no, no. We aren't talking about that right now. You're still on step thirteen, remember? We're at that age we gotta start reversing those steps. Teach 'em to 'Alpha', haha! He'll use them well, I'm sure. Goin around callin himself 'Alpha'- What is he like..a buck fifty? Maybe? He's not six foot either, he ain't taller than me."

" Yeah, haha! He's a pippy. Yuppy little guy, kinda cute, don't ya think?"

" Haha, yes, cute, bra. Ok, want me to answer this?"

" YES, bro! Sincerely, all ears..GO."

" So, there's intimacy. You'd know. It's the moments you know you love sharing but hate showing it. Those movies you learn you actually like, so you do away with the stereotype. Sometimes, we get lucky and find one that enjoys the occasional guy flic. They all say they like 'em, but truth be told."

" Yep, yep."

" Oh! Dude, did you try that thing on her I told you? With the peppermint lip balm?"

Coyly, " Hehe..yeah..hehe, I did. Dude...yeah..."

" Ok, just checkin. We're SO gonna chat about it in a minute. Ok. So intimacy. We used to not care whether it was the couch, living room, dining room, bathroom...on the rug in front of the fireplace..passin crevassier, haha, etc, you know.."

" Yea, yea.."

" It was anywhere, all the time, anytime. I'll summarize because we should go soon. It's not that I'm looking for any particular thing. True, there are idiosyncrasies I must get over in myself. Bad memories, things I'm closed off to, all that. Stuff that are 'preferences', yada, yada, yada... What I want? I want to touch her face, whomever she is. I want to taste what her cheeks look like after she takes her face off at night. Run my fingers over her wrinkles and imperfections, tell her 'its ok' and that I'm totally into the way she looks to me. Nibble at her ears, take her earrings off with my tongue and teeth, hehe... Dude, there are SO many perfect looking women out there. Not what I'm after. But if she can hold her own while I feel her out? The scars, the blemishes, the marks she'll no doubt be like ' Eww, don't touch that! I HATE that about my body!' and SWAT my hands away..yeah. The times when we get to be just us, ourselves in a bedroom with the door open. The mornings I get to leave her in bed to go down and cook up some 'gourmet petit dejeuner'. And seconds later, she comes behind me and wraps herself up around my chest, TOTALLY interfering with what I'm trying to do to impress her or...be romantic an sh*t? Yeah, those moments. When I know we can just deal with what comes on our time. That I don't have to pretend 'its all ok' all the time, wear that 'oh, I'm totally ok, all the time' face..stooopid. Start fights with her simply so I can hear strong opinions other than my own. Maybe watch her spin herself down just so at the end I can tell her she's right and I'm wrong. Have a staring contest just to watch the sunset in each others eyes, exchanging 'favors' when one of us loses, hehe. And ya know? I can find that with any girl. It's a question of: Do I want that with just any girl? I don't know, yet. But there's this one.."

" Knew it bra..tell, come on.."

" It's no one I've met, no one you know. I don't have pictures bro..just a thought that races around my mind from day to day. Trips me out..makes me miss her."

" I know, bra..I know what you feel."

" Yeah? That's good, bra, shows we've grown."

" Pk? ...can we like...kiss or something?"

" HAHAHA! Dude, DON'T swear me, bro, you know I'll do it, haha! But hey..not in front of the kids.."

" Yeah, for sure. Hey, seriously though man. Think I should 'see where it goes' with this one? Again?"

" My opinion? Yes. But make sure you're ready, I can tell you, you are, bra."

" Also, Pk?"

" What up, breh?"

" I Love you, bra."

" Love you too, bra..fo eves, right? Heehee! Let's do 'dis."

Walking off the pier, towards the car," We'll address 'Alpha', later."